Wednesday, 13 November 2013

FRIDAY FICTIONEERS - OFF THE BEATEN TRACK - MY 100 WORDS BY LINDA PALUND



OFF THE BEATEN TRACK

            Escaping our guide, we explored the alleys of the old city.           
            “Look!” Talila pointed to the sign above an ancient doorway.
           'David’s Tomb'.  That looked promising.  Inside, the gatekeeper smiled ingratiatingly.
            “Fifty Schekels.” His accent was unfamiliar.
            “Too much!”
            “Please, Mommy!”
            “For two lovely ladies, Thirty Sheckels.”
            He pointed to a curtained doorway.  We entered a dark chamber, strangely empty.
            “Where’s David’s Tomb, Mommy?”
            The gatekeeper hovered behind us as four figures stepped from the shadows. 
            “Run!” I screamed, stamping hard on the gatekeeper’s foot.
            We broke through the curtain and we didn’t stop running until we reached the Cardo.

This Dabble in FLASH FICTION is from FRIDAY FICTIONEERS courtesy of:
and you can comment on mine below:

42 comments:

  1. Running for their lives, and quite rightly too. Very ominous Linda.

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    1. Thanks, Sandra. I am sure something very similar to this story has happened to a lot of foolhearty women, who wander off the beaten track in strange cities - Moracco, Istanbul, or the Tenderloin in San Francisco...

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  2. When someone smiles ingratiatingly at a time like this, you know you're in trouble. I think you're right that it's happened to too many women. I'm glad yours escaped (at least so far.)

    janet

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  3. Thanks, Janet. Reminds me of a Paul Bowles story - only his had a lot more words and was totally elegant, as well as horrific.

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  4. A cautionary tale - what not to do when exploring strange alleyways. I'm relieved they escaped!
    Nicely done.

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  5. Thanks, a lot of us have stories like this. My cousin Judy always ends hers with, "and then I grabbed my shoes and ran".

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  6. Hi Linda,
    That was a close call. Lots of action, intrigue and excitement packed into your story, along with a narrow escape. Ron

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    1. Thanks Ron, hard to pack all that into 100 words. I would have liked to have a lot more in there, but editing is such fun!

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    1. Oh yes, we can all breathe a big sigh of relief and we won't be straying like that again!

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  8. Dear Lindaura,

    Sounds like if they hadn't run it might've ended up being someone else's tomb. Well done, fast paced story. Has me trying to catch my breath.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

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    1. I think they might have ended up as someone else's toys....

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  9. Scary and so very realistic and possible!!!
    Reminded me of the movie "Taken."
    Scott
    Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/5564/

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    1. Thank you. And oh so sadly real and possible for any of us, wandering into the wrong place at the right time.

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  10. Great suspense story...a narrow escape down a narrow alley. I think they were too far off the cardo!

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    1. Boy, you can say that again. I bet there are lots of us who have had narrow escapes like this.

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  11. Run, run, run! That was quick and lucky thinking, else who knows what would have happened...

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  12. Well, I'm scared and I'm still running! Only stopping to look up "the cardo."

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    1. I found it in Rochelle's story! I have been there though Truth be told, this is not a made up story. This whole thing happened to me in Jerusalem, only the tomb part was much longer. We actually got much deeper under the city before we became suspicious. We were just totally stupid, but totally lucky to have escaped. The David's Tomb idea was so attractive - kind of an attractive nuisance. Sounded glamourous. I have a novel started with that title, so don't steal it!

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  14. Your story shows the vulnerability of the tourist well, Linda. A scary situation. Good one.

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    1. Absolutely, and not just tourists either...

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  15. This is much scarier knowing that it's based on a true experience. Good thing you and your ladies of the tale are fast runners.

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    1. I felt guilty basing it on a true experience, but that alley looked so familiar!

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  16. Very scary indeed, and having just read your comment about it being based on fact made it evn scarier. Glad you got out of a dangerous situation with nothing more than a bad memory!

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  17. Thanks! I didn't really want to write a true story, but I couldn't help it. We were lucky, but I am sure lots of us aren't.

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  18. Wow, after reading the above. But happens in most big cities in one form or another.

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    1. Yes! Sadly, happens on every lonely road, not just in dark alleys, sometimes in broad daylight. It is amazing what people do to each other. Luckily, I'm a fast runner - or was!

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  19. Oooh!So glad to read that they escaped-at least they had that much sense-phew!There are too many such cheats and thugs around the world,waiting to prey on unsuspecting souls.Loved this crisp ,well written tale Linda:-)

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    1. Thanks. We can all breathe a sigh of relief and note to self: keep on the beaten track when in strange exotic countries....

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  20. It happens! Unfortunately. As a victim of a similar scenario, I'm glad your characters escaped! Good theme: mother defending offspring. Ann

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    1. Too sad, that fascinating ancient pathways lead us into danger still... glad you escaped to tell the tale.

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  21. This hit home, had an experience of this sort when my family was on holiday in Italy...haha I was about 13/14 :) good job

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    1. Yes, there are loads of us who escaped, but I wonder how many are lying at the bottom of the pity I imagined was waiting for me - or actually, at that time, being younger, I thought of white slavery...

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  22. Running is absolutely the thing to do..

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  23. Yes, and I guess we have to pretty fit, to have left our guide behind.

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  24. Thrilling take on the prompt, Lindaura. The Old City is such a magical place, a place where you can certainly imagine so many things happening... you've imagined well! (still can't sign in, but a fan ;-) Dawn @ Tales From the Motherland)

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    1. Thanks, Dawn, I can't figure out why you can't sign in, but I know that I can't send replies from my iPhone, so maybe it is like that...

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  25. Exciting stuff here, left AnElephant breathless!

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  26. this is true horror! im so glad they escaped. well done,fast-paced,plenty of action :-)

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  27. Sorry, I'm so late commenting, Linda. I have a hard time with Blogspot sites at home (on Mac), for some reason it Blogger likes PCs better. I read your comment about this being true. That makes it doubly scary.

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